Long time gone

Posted by Mandy on June 9th, 2008 filed in Musings

The last month has been one of those where you turn around and say “where the hell did my last month go?”, even though it was packed with friend-y goodness.  We had two weekend visits with friends, and then went to Michigan for almost a week to celebrate Ben’s mom’s retirement, and to have a birthday party for Jack with the family.  We had a great time, and Jack loved being out and about (even though it was pretty darn hot).  We also were in town for a wedding shower for Ben’s cousin, and had a great time hanging out and eating (and eating and eating).

Jack’s official birthday is on Father’s Day this year, and we’ve decided to have a party.  At this age, the party is actually more about us getting friends together more than anything else.  My parents are able to come in for it (it’s their anniversary on the day of the party), so it’s going to be a Red Letter Weekend.  There’s alot to be done before it happens, though.

In other news, I have my interview on Thursday afternoon for a half-time Latin position.  It’s at a public school, and they require certification but are willing to waive some of the requirements given my experience and background, which I will find out after the interview.

But you know what?  I don’t even know if teaching is what I want to do anymore–I’ve been in academic “stuff” for so long, I don’t even know what else I would be good at, although I like to fancy I am one of those “show once” sorts, and can be proficient within a few months.  I was thinking about how I am just not feeling excited about being in the classroom, even though I like teaching and am good at it, and then I started thinking about, well, what AM i into?  What am I excited about doing when I wake up?  And it was a hard revelation that I would much rather be with Jack and watching what happens with him right now than anything else–that I love being able to cook for us (even though I hate cleaning), and I love seeing Ben during the day.

So why is it a “hard” revelation?  I think it’s because I have always thought, for years, that I would be on of those women who was a real go-getter in whatever job I was doing.  Which, for a while, was academia.  About halfway through my PhD program, though, I realized I just didn’t care enough about the subject matter to a) give up my freedom of choice about my personal life and b) devote years of my life to it and research and stuff and miss out on a family of my own.  yeah, yeah, before people get upset, this was my decision based on what I had observed about women in the realm of academia as well as my personal perceptions about what the state of the job market was and would be.  I miss the travel, and the ability to talk about experiences most people will never have had, and when I look at some of the places people in my discipline have been and the stuff they have seen… yeah, I will admit that I get a little jealous of that.  Of being someone who was accomplished in the field.  My traveling is definitely curtailed.  However.  I think of what my dad told me, once, when I talked to him about this subject, a man who had also been through the academic lifestyle, as a student and a professor.  His advice was more along the line of a question: When you die, what do you want on your tombstone: she will be missed by friends and family, or she made tenure?

So, now that I have been home with Jack for a year, I was idly browsing through the job listings, and found one for a town a little ways away.  I applied on a whim, and got a phone call immediately after they received my application saying they were very interested.  I have had two weeks now to think about the whole thing.  Being a teacher, with the teacher benefits (vacations same as Jack, retirement, being a two-income household again) are all great things.  Worst case scenario, though, I would also have to go back to school to work towards certification while I was teaching and while Jack is still less than two years old.  The college with the accredited classes I would go to is about an hour away.  We probably wouldn’t be eating as well/healthy as we are now.  The house work wouldn’t be as kept up (not that it’s so great right now–like I said, I hate house work).  And… I like being able to do things for my family.  Do I want to add that to everything else?   I never thought this would be me, you know?  Wanting to stay at home as a mom.

Big thoughts.  Still not sure.  Of course, not anything to get my panties in a wad about right now, since I haven’t even been offered the job!